I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
