It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
