the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
