I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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