I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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