Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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