I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pants are for mortals
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
