ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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