He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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