2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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