I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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