we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
