the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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