Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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