I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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