now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
