he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
