Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
