I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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