I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
