i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
