is your mom at the bar?
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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