The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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