I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
