gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
