she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
