Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
