we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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