Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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