hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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