I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
