I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
we should paint friendship bongs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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