Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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