I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
