Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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