did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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