Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
