You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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