Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
