I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
