My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
