there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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