I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
