K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
