I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
