The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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