matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
