my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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