I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
