when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
