just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
