My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
