Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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