Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
