I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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