i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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