my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
