Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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