I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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