What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize