if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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